I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.