You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
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Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Not today, today.
Not today.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die