Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”