Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁