Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The honesty is refreshing
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.