Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
You Might Also Like
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.