[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
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Good morning
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Do one person every day that scares you.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.