Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.