Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”