@KevinFarzad: Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
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@Quartzjixler: I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
@SortaBad: My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
@rickolantern: Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
@iwearaonesie: [texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)