@Quartzjixler: I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

@SortaBad: My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

@rickolantern: Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

@iwearaonesie: [texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)

@AaronMichael_: God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they're happy.