@Shot_Of_Cabo: Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?

@TheMichaelRock: Wait! What?! The subway is flooded? WHAT ABOUT THE NINJA TURTLES?! *prays*

@Bexdora: INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people! ME: Morning...you look good... IC: Thanks, I feel good! ME: So much for Voodoo. IC: What? ME: What?

@StinkyGr33n: Me: "Hey Siri, what color are your panties?" Siri: "Why would I be wearing panties?" Me: "Oh, you're such a naughty girl, Siri."

@WheelTod: To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR