Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.