Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
You Might Also Like
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically