Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
You Might Also Like
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I love the honesty
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.