Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”