@cloudybones: Being asked if you've read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you've had steak at Applebees. You do know there's actual steakhouses?
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@WheelTod: We'd been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
@Dawn_M_: My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
@TheAlexNevil: Me: How's it look? Doc: You have 2 months to live M: WHAT?? You're my dentist! D: Then you don't need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
@ArfMeasures: [park] STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking ME: Yeah, he's interbred DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread