@cloudybones: Being asked if you've read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you've had steak at Applebees. You do know there's actual steakhouses?
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@Home_Halfway: [Park] PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours? ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid
@lemonmartinis: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together - Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
@KattsDogma: If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I'd call it Pubic's Cube or The Razor's Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
@gaynorlsimpson: How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you? Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you?