I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy