[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
You Might Also Like
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
“What?”
– Jude
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
#SCOTUS one-star review
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
i’m still crying at this
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you