Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
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*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.