[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Natty or not?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.