[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
OH. COME. ON.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”