[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.