[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
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I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
me and who
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Matt Goss
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.