Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.