Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
pep talk
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.