@BrettDruck: Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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@SatansTongue: (First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: ＷＨＡＴＥＶＥＲ ＴＨＥ ＤＡＲＫ ＬＯＲＤ ＣＯＭＭＡＮＤＳ
@rickolantern: Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE I'm putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
@CheryeDavis: Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don't look rude. Now it looks like I'm all excited about stupid shit, and I'm Okay!! with that.
@therealeatwood: ME: I’m adorably inept and naïve! CHILD: That’s only cute on Twitter. Get off the floor and take me to soccer.