Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS