Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“i am a sweet baby”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.