Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
You Might Also Like
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
The best shot in the history of golf
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
A French press is when you hug naked
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My dryer is celebrating lint.