“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.