Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
This is so me 😂😂
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”