Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
The Compass
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.