[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I know
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Velcrow
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I have never heard an armadillo before.