Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.