THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers