My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
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“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
It do be feeling this way.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.