Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
hackers play passwordle
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.