Boom, boom, ching!
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
based al yankovic
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
jesus, what did this guy do
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Dammit Chief not again
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?