I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.