@virtualhippie: Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.
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@SteveOHellNo: People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
@SoulYodeler: Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
@Reverend_Scott: [Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World] Ok, show me this so-called "haunted mansion"
@TheBoydP: I had a bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.