Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI