Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes