Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Kermit goes Blue.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?