Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’