Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
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19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
2 years later
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.