being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.