being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?