Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
You Might Also Like
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
the world’s most popular steaming services
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest