@HeyZeus666: Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.
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@GoddessTitty: [Home invasion] Me: isn't there anything ELSE you want to take? Burglar: lady I told you I'm married
@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.
@jonni_howard: "Your storage is full" thanks Apple, I'll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I'll always have the stocks app
@mdob11: A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.