[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The devil.