[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
this is uni
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.