[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.