[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My purse is deeper than some people.