[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
mmm onion ringos
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.