@walks_on_legs: Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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@NakedHangover: What I learned in college: 1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
@dshack8: Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, u can do it!" Parents w/ Baby #4: "SHIT, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"
@XplodingUnicorn: I was working in the yard. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake. I hit it with a shovel. I'm happy to report the garden hose is dead
@sickipediabot: My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches. Anyway, enough about her... ...back to drum practice.