I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Good point.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.