[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
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Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?