[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I love it all
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]