[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”