[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them